If a good friend came to you and told you that her husband had been cheating on her, your first response would probably be to tell her to leave him. After all, that’s what happens when a married man cheats, right? But when it happens to you, it’s more complicated. You love him, and as hurt as you are, you may still want to make your marriage work. So how do you decide whether to stay or to go?
The first thing you have to ask yourself is, can you ever trust him again? If this was a one-time thing and he’s deeply sorry for the pain he’s caused you, it’s probably worth working together to try and rebuild the relationship. If it’s happened several times ... well, maybe it’s not. The key os to discuss the situation as rationally as you can and find out what caused him to cheat. Was it dues to problems in your relationship? Was he bored, and looking for excitement? Did working in close proximity with a female co-worker cause one thing to lead to another? You need to know why it happened.
If the reason was relationship problems, you can work on those together, perhaps with a therapist. If it’s a matter of succumbing to a fling with a colleague or going out too many nights a week with the boys while you sit at home, then with a little trust and adjustment you can work through that, too. On the other hand, sometimes men cheat for reasons that are almost out of their control – he may be what experts call a “risk taker,” and feels the need to stir up excitement for himself all of the time. Or he might be looking for a way out of the marriage, but he’s chosen a passive-aggressive way to force the issue. If either of these are the case, you may very well want to consider leaving – because it’s not going to get any better the longer you stay.
If you do want to stay in the marriage, it’s possible to rebuild the trust you had and actually be happier – eventually – than you were before. But it involves change, and change can be difficult. Many experts have noted that men say that they cheated because they wanted more sex, while women cheated because they wanted someone to make them feel special. But in reality, the underlying reasons that spouses of both sexes stray is quite similar – they find someone outside the relationship who makes them feel cared for in ways they were missing in the marriage. Only you and your husband can determine what, exactly, he needs that he wasn’t getting at home.
Whatever the reason, the only way to analyze and solve it is to talk to him about it, in a calm, adult manner. Avoid the cliches of asking “What does she have that I don’t?” and name-calling, and be as compassionate as you can Ask him what, from his perspective, was missing in your marriage that he got from his lover. When he gives you the answer, it’ll be much easier to decide if you’re going to stay or not.
Unfortunately, what he needs – or what he thinks he needs – may be something you can’t provide. You have your own boundaries, after all, and perhaps his desires fall outside the realm of what you’re capable of giving him. You shouldn’t be expected to change your values or swallow your own feelings of unhappiness just for the sake of your marriage. But only through really listening to him will you know whether you can meet him halfway.
Even if he promises to never stray again, you’ll have trust issues for some time to come. Cheating on a spouse is a serious betrayal of your intimate, emotional bond. He has to promise to never do it again and, at some point, you have to trust that he’s not doing it anymore. But he also has to promise much more than that – he has to be a better husband than he was even before he cheated, and the two of you have top continue to talk about your feelings and monitor the state of your marriage for a long, long time after this.
If you have children, the situation is even more complicated. You want them to have their father around, but if the two of you are perpetually angry and untrusting, that’s not a very healthy environment for your kids. Children aren’t stupid, and they see what goes on in their home. Having him stay while you’re both unhappy and resentful all the time isn’t the best situation. But neither is one of you leaving under a cloud of anger and mistrust.
Many marriages have survived long after a spouse has cheated, but it took a great deal of commitment, honesty and hard work. Whatever your decision, there will be pain involved – ultimately, you have to decide what’s best for you and your family in the long term. Good luck!
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1. Marital Status
