Thursday, February 08, 2007

How To Get Over A Man Who Is Already In A committed Relationship

What, exactly, is the lure of the married man? And why to single women keep getting involved with them, only to find themselves living the worst romantic cliches – “He said he’d leave his wife!” “She doesn’t understand him,” and “He cheated on his wife, but I know he’s never cheat on me.” How does a smart woman turn herself into a character from a cheesy soap opera?

It was probably very exciting in the beginning, meeting in secret, having passionate, illicit sex, but eventually you realized that you were always going to get short shrift. He still spends every holiday and weekend with his family, he can’t take your phone calls at home, and he expects you to be available whenever he can slip away. And, no matter how often he promises, he still hasn’t left his wife. So the questions start swirling in your head – why are you doing this? Why aren’t you with a man who you can be with in public, and who’s willing to share his life with you? Don’t you deserve more?

Yes, you deserve more. You’re being used, even if he cares about you. But think about what his life I like. He spends time with you, then rushes home to have dinner with his wife and kids. He has a nice meal, helps his children with their homework, watches a little television, then sleeps contentedly in bed with his wife. And at no time, after walking through the front door of his house, was he thinking of you. Meanwhile, you were home alone again, wishing he was still there. It’s a great deal for him, isn’t it? You cater to him, and so does his wife. He shortchanges both of you, but what does he care? He’s got it made.

It’s time to take control of you life again. Get it through your head, once and for all, that he’s never going to leave his wife for you. Even if by some small miracle he did, how will you ever be able to trust him? After all, if he cheated on her, he’ll most likely cheat on you, too. The hard truth is that he’s not yours, and he never will be. If you’re staying in the relationship because you’re afraid of being lonely, that’s simply not a good enough reason. It’s better to be on your own and have healthy self-esteem than have a part-time relationship with someone who treats you like you’re little more than a hobby to him.

Get out and start dating again. Once you re-discover the great big world of single, available men out there, you’ll soon get over your fixation on a man who’s unavailable. You deserve a partner who’s devoted to you, committed to your relationship, and who isn’t a liar. It might be a scary transition, because you really will be alone for awhile – but why is that such a bad thing? Right now you’re living in purgatory, fantasizing about a future that will probably never happen, living your life only to serve your married man’s needs. That’s no way to live.

If you find that breaking up with your married man is far too difficult to comfortably deal with, consider seeking professional help. Counselors aren’t just for crazy people or the depressed – they can help you work through stressful, unhappy periods in your life and guide your decision-making when you need it the most. They’re also advocates who you pay to be on your side, and having a therapist to talk to about your fears while breaking up with the married man can be incredibly valuable. You can certainly talk to your friends, but mostly they’ll just bad-mouth your lover. That has a place in any good break-up – who doesn’t wallow in self-pity now and then? – but on some level you’ll always be aware that they’re going to take your side no matter what. Talking to a professional who’s seen hundreds of people with problems even worse than yours is important because the therapist won’t just mouth platitudes and pat you on the back. Instead, they’ll help you figure out what you really want, and guide you as you work through your problems.

Getting over your married man will be difficult, but if you want peace of mind and healthy self-esteem, you’ll make the break. You deserve a full, honest relationship with someone who respects you – not a selfish part-time lover who’s ashamed to be seen with you in public.

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