What To Do If Your Man Is Abusive And How To Decide Whether To Stay or To Go?

Over five million women are abused by their partners every year; 1,232 of them are killed by their abusers. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. Here's how you can avoid being another statistic.

If you're living with an abusive boyfriend or husband, you’re probably torn over whether to stay with him – abusers are geniuses at nurturing emotional dependency in their victims, and use their power to make women feel like there’s nothing they can do to help themselves. Y

our friends and family may have been advising you to leave, but in many cases you’ve kept the secret of your abuse from those closest to you. If you do tell them and continue to stay with your abuser, they wonder why you're willing to take the abuse. People outside abusive relationships don’t understand the complicated dynamic between abuser and a victim – it’s rarely a clear-cut case of stay or go.

The hard fact is this: if your man is abusive, you must find help immediately. It doesn’t matter if he's hit you just once or a hundred times. Perhaps he hasn’t started hitting you yet – he abuses you with words. The extent of his abuse is a moot point. You absolutely must protect yourself and, if you have children, your family.

Your first step is to get out of harm's way. If you don’t have a close friend or family member who can take you in, look to your local women’s crisis center. Wherever you live, your local telephone directory will offer at least one 24-hour hotline that you can call to contact a counselor in your area. You can talk about the abuse you've experienced with someone who knows about domestic violence firsthand, and put you in touch with a local shelter if you need a safe place to stay.

But if you're not willing to cut ties with your abusive partner and wonder whether you can, perhaps, stay with him for the long run, what should be your next move? Here are seven tips for women enduring domestic violence.

Ask the question: am I being abused?

If you’re asking this question at all, the answer is probably yes. There are all kinds of abuse, ranging from name calling to possessiveness and controlling behavior, threats and overt sexual and physical abuse. Think about this: in a normal, healthy relationship, a woman does not ever feel frightened, threatened, or controlled. Someone who truly loves you – and is worthy of your love in return – doesn’t degrade you, making you worthless. If your partner makes you feel this way, you’re being abused.

Don't try to change him.

If he’s physically or verbally abusive toward you, it's not because you’re not pretty enough, or nice enough, unattractive, stupid or bad. His abuse is not your fault, although he’ll do his best to make you believe that you deserve his treatment. The reason he’s abusing you is because he’s deeply dysfunctional, and battling emotional problems himself. Although you may love him, you can’t change his behavior. He won’t stop being abusive no matter how hard you try to please him – in most cases, the harder you try to make things right between you, the more abusive he’ll become. The only thing you can do is save yourself before it’s too late.

If you can, get him into therapy.

No matter what reason he gives for his behavior – you nag too much, you don’t like his friends, you didn’t get dinner on the table early enough – he has no right to physically abuse you. If he hits, shoves or punches you, he needs psychological help.

Perhaps he gets violent whenever he drinks alcohol – this is common, but don’t excuse his episodes because it’s triggered by booze. What you have on your hands is an angry, dysfunctional man who’s an alcoholic – a dangerous combination. It's very likely he was abused as a child and is perpetuating the violence he learned at home. The only way he can change his behavior is to acknowledge that he has a problem with anger and to seek professional help. But therapy will only work if he’s ready to admit that he’s wrong and do the work – if he won’t do that, then get out as soon as possible.

Give him space.

Even if you’re not ready to leave your abusive partner, you need to give him some emotional space for now. No one changes unless they’re ready to do so, and even if he does get into therapy, he’ll need to work on his issues at his own pace. What you think of as constructive interest in “fixing” his problems may be seen as nagging, which will only exacerbate your already dysfunctional relationship.

Give yourself space.

You need time to heal from his abuse and recover your dignity. After so many years of being treated badly, you’ve probably come to believe all the degrading things he’s told you. You need to remember that you were immersed in a warped world where your self-esteem was ground down so low, you didn't even know it existed anymore. Spend time with supportive family and friends, and regain your sense of self. Remember the beautiful and worthy woman you are.

Get therapy yourself.

If you plan on continuing a relationship with him, couple's counseling is a must. But also seek counseling for yourself, even if it’s just a weekly support group for survivors of domestic violence. Abuse is a serious problem, one where lives – including your children's – are at stake. This is no time to try and do it by yourself. Get professional help immediately.

Don't give third chances.

It's one thing to give him a second chance, but how about a third chance? Or a fourth, a fifth or a tenth chance? If he keeps saying how sorry he is and promising he’ll change, but returning to the same pattern of emotional and physical abuse, you need to leave. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care about him – it means you value your own life and sanity. There are countless resources available on the Internet alone, offering people to talk to and advice on how to get out of the dangerous situation you’re in. If you keep believing that he’ll change while the violence continues to escalate, eventually you’ll become another statistic.

It may not feel that way now, but you’re in control of your destiny. No one deserves to be abused by their partner, and by allowing yourself to be abused, you’re endangering yourself and your children. Find help, and get out.

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