How to Understand the Importance of Self-Confidence and Trust to Reduce Jealousy in a Successful Marriage
Self-confidence is usually regarded as a trait of personality, rather than of character. Perhaps it is. Yet it is often the basic element in a very important character problem, namely, jealousy. Writers on marriage usually handle jealousy as they would the problem of a washed-out bridge. They put up warning and detour signs. They point out the awful results of jealousy. No marriage can succeed until the "green-eyed monster" has been vanquished.
The basic fallacy in this approach is the assumption that jealousy can be overcome by an act of will. The man on the road who sees the warning sign can take the detour, and probably will. But jealousy is not a rational proposition. The jealous mate may recognize clearly the dangers of his condition. But he can no more cure his jealousy by merely determining to do so, than he could cure himself of cancer, fallen arches, or eczema. Jealousy often results in a lack of confidence in one's self. The conviction that most other men are smarter, most other women more attractive; the feeling that no one could love me; such are the base of much jealousy. Warnings may only add to the feelings of helplessness and guilt, thus doing more harm than good. Not until confidence is established can jealousy be overcome.
The story is told of a man with an insanely jealous wife. Instead of trying to defend himself from her accusations, or scolding her for her lack of confidence in him, he acted to build her up. He persuaded the ice man and the milk man to try to flirt with her. He hired several men to try to pick her up on the street. With her confidence in her attractiveness thus restored, she lost her jealousy. The cure is not always so simple. The reasons for a lack of self-confidence may lie deeply hidden in the subconscious. Cure may involve extensive analysis and treatment. Our purpose here is not to point out how a lack of self-confidence can be cured. We wish only to indicate that those who lack it are not yet ready for marriage.
Can you trust others?
Similar to jealousy is an excessive suspicion of others. We have already warned against trusting people to the point of marriage before you have proved them. There is the opposite danger of trusting no one at all on any matter. For those investigating a crime, a suspicion of everyone who might possibly be connected with it may be a proper attitude. It is no sound basis for marriage. Undue suspicion of others usually indicates one of two conditions which make marriage questionable. It may mean that the individual lacks confidence in his own judgment. Therefore the one safe procedure is to trust no one. Or it may indicate that the person himself is not to be trusted. We often judge others by what we know ourselves to be. The man who is unduly suspicious may be telling us that he is not to be trusted. Lack of trust in others either is a character defect, or it indicates a personality condition which can easily become a character defect.
This is all the more important because a couple who begin by mistrusting others may end up by not trusting each other. Increasingly the marriage will be marred by jealousies and suspicions until finally the strain will become too great and the marriage will break. The ability to trust others, under proper circumstances and after adequate testing, is a character essential of paramount importance for marriage, or any other kind of successful living.
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The basic fallacy in this approach is the assumption that jealousy can be overcome by an act of will. The man on the road who sees the warning sign can take the detour, and probably will. But jealousy is not a rational proposition. The jealous mate may recognize clearly the dangers of his condition. But he can no more cure his jealousy by merely determining to do so, than he could cure himself of cancer, fallen arches, or eczema. Jealousy often results in a lack of confidence in one's self. The conviction that most other men are smarter, most other women more attractive; the feeling that no one could love me; such are the base of much jealousy. Warnings may only add to the feelings of helplessness and guilt, thus doing more harm than good. Not until confidence is established can jealousy be overcome.
The story is told of a man with an insanely jealous wife. Instead of trying to defend himself from her accusations, or scolding her for her lack of confidence in him, he acted to build her up. He persuaded the ice man and the milk man to try to flirt with her. He hired several men to try to pick her up on the street. With her confidence in her attractiveness thus restored, she lost her jealousy. The cure is not always so simple. The reasons for a lack of self-confidence may lie deeply hidden in the subconscious. Cure may involve extensive analysis and treatment. Our purpose here is not to point out how a lack of self-confidence can be cured. We wish only to indicate that those who lack it are not yet ready for marriage.
Can you trust others?
Similar to jealousy is an excessive suspicion of others. We have already warned against trusting people to the point of marriage before you have proved them. There is the opposite danger of trusting no one at all on any matter. For those investigating a crime, a suspicion of everyone who might possibly be connected with it may be a proper attitude. It is no sound basis for marriage. Undue suspicion of others usually indicates one of two conditions which make marriage questionable. It may mean that the individual lacks confidence in his own judgment. Therefore the one safe procedure is to trust no one. Or it may indicate that the person himself is not to be trusted. We often judge others by what we know ourselves to be. The man who is unduly suspicious may be telling us that he is not to be trusted. Lack of trust in others either is a character defect, or it indicates a personality condition which can easily become a character defect.
This is all the more important because a couple who begin by mistrusting others may end up by not trusting each other. Increasingly the marriage will be marred by jealousies and suspicions until finally the strain will become too great and the marriage will break. The ability to trust others, under proper circumstances and after adequate testing, is a character essential of paramount importance for marriage, or any other kind of successful living.
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posted by Poster at 3:18 AM
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